My husband, Dylan, and two of our three children were with me for my first ultrasound. Our tech started it like they always do, getting the measurements and heartbeat of a baby while we were all making small talk. We were telling her how many kids we already had, how old Piper was (9 months at the time, our youngest) and how this would definitely be our last baby.
Amongst the small talk and her measuring the baby, I was also keeping close watch of the screen. This isn’t my first go around, and I am fascinated in all things pregnancy related so in my head I was pointing things out I could see “oh look, there’s the spine!” and “aw, there’s the little heart beating.” But at one point, she moved the ultrasound stick and I noticed what looked like another sac.
I quickly looked at her, waiting for the words to confirm what I thought I had seen, and just by her face I instantly knew my assumption was right.
With serious hesitation, she said “ummm…. Uhh…. well, there’s two….”
I don’t know if her hesitation was because she just wasn’t expecting it, or because she had just heard our lineup of kids and was unsure of how to deliver that news, but it was almost comical the way it came out of her mouth with such delay lol
Dylan kept saying “you’re kidding.” lol I think it’s safe to say that when you first find out you’re pregnant, the majority of us just always assume one baby, one crib, one swing, etc and that’s how you plan/see your new upcoming life. So the shock of seeing two babies on the screen when you’re not expecting it is just… unexplainable. I’ve always dreamed of having a big family, but shock is definitely the best word to describes how I felt regardless.
The tech cancelled everything out of her computer, started the exam completely over, and there we sat like deer in headlights… “twin parents.”
Speechless.
If I’m being honest, I remember holding back tears so I didn’t look ungrateful of two babies, because that’s not how I felt at all. Of course we were blessed, but we were almost unsure of adding a fourth to the bunch, let alone a fifth too! Our circumstances were not ideal for two more babies so I was overwhelmed with the unknown of what our future held, but I most certainly wasn’t ungrateful. These babies were blessings.
As we walked down the hallway to our other room, word had already got around about our twins. Some nurses were asking if we planned it. Some said “how exciting!” But in that moment I just smiled at them because I didn’t know what to say. When we got to our room, we sat in silence until the doctor came in. When I say we were in shock, I mean full on shock lol Luckily she understood our feelings at that moment and was very reassuring.
“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”
“This is going to be quite different from your other pregnancies.”
“You will be fine.”
She gave us all the information we needed and answered any questions for us. (Really, I don’t think we had any questions at the moment because again… shock.) But she gave me the information I needed for that initial appointment, and we left. The whole way home Dylan and I didn’t talk about it. We let it sink in, we gathered our thoughts in silence, and then discussed it all the next day.
When we finally talked about how different things were going to be for our family, it was a hard discussion to have. To add one more to our family was already going to be a stretch for our families situation, but to add two… the thought was impossible. Our house was not big enough, our cars were not big enough, nothing we had in our lives at the moment was big enough for 5 kids. Dylan is our only income so thinking of the money we were going to spend on 10,000 diapers and gallons of formula literally felt suffocating. On top of that, Dylan had just got a new position at work and he wasn’t home on an ideal schedule (it was already so freaking hard) so of course I was stressed to the max thinking about how hard it was going to be on me without his help. Sharing turns with your spouse at night having one newborn baby is hard enough, but twins on your own at night?! Impossible. I would NEVER sleep. All the unknown possibilities came up, all the stress of money, job changes and space were discussed and it was a tough conversation.
And then somewhere after all the topics that were hard, but completely necessary to have, we decided to let them go. Because no matter what, we were going to make this work for our family and stressing over the unknown did nothing for us.
So we moved on to the easier conversations, and the excitement came quickly. Our kids were going to have more people to play with, more friends, more people to confide in, and more people to be in their corners. Our house was going to be full, which meant our hearts were too. More kids to love on, more giggles, more fun, more kids running to greet you at the door, more memories, and more kids to make a peanut butter jelly sandwich (I’ve dreamed of making my kids PB&J’s since I was little and watched the movie “Overboard.” It’s an inside joke of mine and Dylan’s lol)
Being a mom is what I know I was meant to be. I am good at it, and I love it. This is what I’ve always wanted, and I was getting it.
We were past being scared… we were excited!
Even now, I sometimes feel guilty that our initial reactions were worry for the future and stress of money and space, but I’ve come to realize that acknowledging the realistic parts of life even during a time of blessing are still valid feelings to have that I shouldn’t feel guilty for. Maybe some people wouldn’t be so honest in that initial reaction of shock and fear because it’s not what people want to hear and it seems wrong almost to feel that way, but those feelings quickly turn into excitement. Any worries you have of time, money, or space are all squashed by the pure joy and happiness of creating life and all that comes with it.
Dylan went to work that night and texted me “don’t tell my wife, but I’m excited to have twins” and I’ll never forget how I felt after he wrote me that. It was such a relief to be excited of what was to come with twins in our family, and not worry about the unknowns. We may have been clueless when it came to twins and we may have had a lot of big changes coming our way, but when it comes to loving babies we we’re already pro’s and we knew we could do this thang!
xo.brit
So honest. I can’t wait to see these two girls. I am like Benny, I love babies.