Trigger warning. This is my raw and real miscarriage story. It contains graphic detail and could be triggering for other women who have experienced a miscarriage.
Miscarriages are so common, yet they are never talked about. They are so hard physically and emotionally… especially going through them on your own and I feel like I never see or hear about them. Why are they not talked about more? You already feel like the only person in the world going through it, but truth is, there are so many other women who have been through the same or similar situation as you. It’s lonely and traumatizing enough in itself, and not talking about it makes it so much harder to deal with. When I confirmed my miscarriage, I wrote all of my friends looking for one of them to have a story to share for comfort and understanding in what I was going through. I hope that my story helps someone in that way that I was longing for, because we shouldn’t have to hold in that pain alone. Sometimes just having a person understand your feelings from first hand experience makes you feel more comforted.
So here’s my miscarriage story…
I remember being in the shower, taking my menstrual cup out and seeing pieces of tissue float down the drain. I thought “well this doesn’t look right”. There were dark pieces of tiny tissue that I thought at the time could maybe be tiny blood clots. I didn’t know what it was for certain, but I knew it was not normal. I’ve had larger blood clots occasionally during my menstrual cycles before but the amount of tissue that I saw at the bottom of the shower this time was just too much to be normal.
I did some research after I got out of the shower (I am a total “search google for any and all possibilities and scenarios” type of person when it comes to medical issues) and found possibilities of fibroids, ruptured cysts, etc. but it just still didn’t sit well with me. I just knew it was something else.
I remember telling Dylan I was going to make an appointment with my OBGYN because I was concerned, and the searches on google were not leaving me satisfied.
Out of curiosity I went to the bathroom about 20 minutes later to check my menstrual cup again, and maybe get pictures this time so I could show my doctor…except this time my menstrual cup was full (after 20 minutes it’s very strange for a cup to be full like that.)
(here’s where it gets graphic and gross so leave now if you cant stomach it.)
So I’m standing over the toilet staring at my menstrual cup, completely full… but not of liquid. I could tell there was a very large gelatin like substance that I assumed at the time was a very large blood clot. Something obviously more than just blood.
I poured it onto a piece of toilet paper to get a better look at it, and examine it. Looking at it I instantly knew exactly what it was and what my body was doing…
On the toilet paper was something almost identical to what you see when you crack open an egg (covered in blood of course). A gelatin sac filled with other solid-ish forms and a stringy piece of grey tissue hanging from it. I still have no idea what I was looking at exactly but I assume this was the sac the baby was developing in.
I’ve never miscarried before so at this point, even in my “certainty”, I was only assuming and let a few days pass before truly confirming. I wanted to do my own research, I wanted to see how my body was going to react for a few days, and really I think I just had to process it.
I was very early, but seeing it happen in front of my eyes with physical confirmation just made it so much worse.
I have a long entry in my notes on my phone that I wrote the day after I confirmed my miscarriage at home. (I write a lot of moments of my life in my notes on my phone so I don’t forget how I felt in that exact moment when it happens.) I’ll insert it here because I don’t think I could explain my feelings any more accurately than the day after finding out. And I’ve told you all from the beginning that I am here to be honest so here it is…
My misscarriage happened on a Friday in September, I finally confirmed it at home that I was miscarrying on a Monday. I wrote the entry below on Tuesday, the day after confirming.
“Sitting in Piper’s room, rocking in the rocking chair. I like to come here after I lay her down… it’s so relaxing. I have time to think. My mind can breathe. All day I am go, go, go. Not trying to complain but the truth is, all day long I never have time to just think. At this moment, I’m thinking how defeated I felt when I was sitting here yesterday. I was so emotional and wanted to yell at anyone who thought they were going through something because it wasn’t even close to the pain I was feeling… but I’m not that person. Why was I so upset? Well… it wasn’t a good day in general. Piper (6 months old at this time) had kept me up all night, I haven’t been spending time with Bennett during the day because I am just so tired and that made me feel super guilty. My house was “clean” to an average person, but not CLEAN. Other people would have seen a picked up house and a made bed, but I saw that I hadn’t mopped in a week, the boys bathroom smells worse than a port a pot, and the book shelf in the living room had been a catch all for a month. AND it was laundry day so I had 4 loads of laundry staring at me to be folded… I cried a lot yesterday. I blamed it mostly on my “period” because I usually handle more stress and chaos than the average person I think. I had been bleeding like a stuck hog for a few days, even lost a huge “clot” on Friday. But yesterday, on top of the stress of my house and lack of sleep, I just had a very sad feeling. A feeling, I assume now, was my mother instinct itching at me to confirm what I knew was happening to me. Since Friday when I passed that “clot”, I just knew it was a miscarriage. I had never miscarried before but I just knew that’s what it was. So last night when I picked up the groceries, I also got myself a pregnancy test. I had read online that even while miscarrying a pregnancy test will show positive until the miscarriage is completely over. Turns out, I was right. The pregnancy test popped up positive with a very distinct and dark line. And… I wasn’t even sad, because I already knew it in my gut for the last couple days. I also knew that there was nothing I could do, because what was happening inside of me had already started and there is no stopping it. It was a numb feeling I guess. I am so thankful I was only about 6 weeks along and maybe even moreso that I didn’t even know I was pregnant before this because I didn’t have a chance to get excited and disappointed in the same couple days. Last night, after confirming that what I suspected was true, I was cramping so bad in bed… like the worst cramps ever. It was just a weird feeling… to feel your body reject and “clean” itself of this tissue that could have been a baby. My body was naturally getting rid of this baby and there was nothing I could do but feel it. I fell asleep thinking about it, hoping it would be over today, but I woke up cramping so bad again. Today, I’ve had time to process my feelings I think. While I’m upset at what’s happening to me, confused, and have so many questions that can never be answered… I’m also now in a serious predicament. Dylan and I have sort of come to a silent agreement that there would be no more children. He is so busy it seems like our kids now hardly ever see him, and beg for his attention when he is here. As much as I would love to fulfill my dream of having a huge family, I had planned to respect his opinion in wanting to stop at 3. I am so blessed to have the 3 I have and I never want to seem ungrateful! but I had been telling myself that IF I got pregnant in the upcoming months it will be God’s way of saying that I needed that baby. Instead… now I was given what was the beginning of a pregnancy as if my questioning on growing our family had been answered for me, but yet, it was now taken away?… I am more confused than I had ever been about adding to our family and that hurts just as bad.”
If you’ve never miscarried a baby, I will tell you that it is a lot of days of bleeding and cramping, and so many trips to the doctor for blood work to make sure your hcg levels are dropping. My miscarriage lasted probably 2 weeks even with it being an early one.
It seemed like it would never end…
Every day I would wish and pray and beg that the bleeding would stop.
I felt like my body was tormenting me, reminding me every day that it was rejecting a baby.
I constantly asked what did I do wrong, and replayed my every move the few weeks previous, trying to find something to blame it on.
I felt so guilty.
But I spoke with my doctor and I read everything there was to read online that all said a miscarriage so early on means that the fetus just wasn’t developing normally, there was a genetic abnormality, and there was nothing I did that caused it… it just happens sometimes.
I will say that eventhough this was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, I am thankful for the small things specific to my situation.
I am thankful I wasn’t further along. I know it could have been so much worse if the baby was already developed even a few weeks later.
I am thankful my body could miscarry on it’s own, and I wasn’t forced to have a D&C.
And sadly, I’m thankful we didn’t have time to be excited about being pregnant before finding out we were losing it.
Most of all, I am extra thankful that very shortly after this miscarriage God blessed us with another surprise… our twins.
When my mom found out we were having twins, she immediately assured me that this was God’s way of giving us the child I had longed for just a few short months previously. Thinking of the twins in that way made them even more special than they already were because of the loss before them.
Twins are special in their own way already, but ours were a little extra special to us because of this.
Having gone through a miscarriage, I am now certain of these things…
1. Take your time to process, and mourn. Don’t feel obligated to push it aside and move on so fast because you want to seem “strong”, or because your spouse tells you to, or because you think it will make you forget it any faster (because you wont).
2. Talk about it. Talking about it may give you strength and it will probably help others who have gone through it, or will go through it some day. Miscarriages already feel so isolating, but having someone who understands and has been through it before makes it much easier to process.
I know that every miscarriage story is different, but this is mine.
Sending lots of love to any momma’s who have gone through this, or are going through this right now. I hope that you can eventually find a light in the darkness, and learn to grieve in a healthy way. Please always remember that you are not alone. And feel free to reach out to me.
xo, brit.